The Chance

I can't promise you trips to Brazil

And I can't fill your days, fill them up with gold.

But I'll hold you.

I'll hold you

closer than she ever will.

I can't guarantee smooth roads ahead

And I can't memorize what the prophets have said.

But I'll hold you.

I'll hold you

closer than she ever will.

So give me the chance to dance one more time with you

and dance again with me.

I can't pick you up in a fancy car

And I can't offer you rubies from afar.

But I'll hold you.

I'll hold you

closer than she ever will.

I can't keep what is not mine

But I can't give up hope, baby not this time.

So I'll hold you.

I'll hold you

closer than she ever will.

So give me the chance to dance one more time with you

and dance again with me.

If you miss me

Whisper my name

Dear, I'll come running

My love for you is all I have to claim.

So give me the chance to dance one more time with you

and dance again with me.

*music*

last august, i added a drummer and a bassist. this past january, i added a pedal steel player. three weeks ago, i added an accordionist AND a violinist. i went from being a one-gal band for five years to working with five other musicians in less than a year. i've worked really hard at understanding this transition and accepting the shifts and shapes my songs have taken with each new collaboration. last week, for the first time ever, i felt chills go through me during the build of a song. the sound of the violin aching, the accordion pumping, the bass pulsing, and the drums building, topped by the harmonies of three female voices...it stirred me to tears. i can't believe i have five talented musicians beside me, sharing a musical space with me, learning my music, and breathing their own unique life into each song. i imagined this possible in my head, but i never imagined hearing it outside of my head.

i visited my father's grave yesterday. it was the first time i visited it since he passed last month. i promised him that i would make him proud. with his guidance, and with my new-found focus, discipline, perseverance, faith, plus the company of the talented musicians who have graced my life...i have new hope for my music. i have hope that my music will do what music has done for me for decades.

i'm ready to move people. in bigger ways than ever.

i want to move my father, however possible it may be.

Notes for my Father

it's been a month, or four weeks, or 678 hours.

i'm sorting my words, memories, piles of laundry

like laid out l e tt e rs in scrabble.

a dear dead dad makes for a peculiar puzzle.

March 15th.

4:27 p.m.

just yesterday?

just a moment ago?

the doctor pronounced you dead at 4:40,

but your wife and children wore a different watch.

the tick-tock of our clock waited for your last breath

in. out.

in.

no exit.

life is marked with our eyes, ears, and heart

not a stethoscope.

gas is up to $3.88,

which is almost forty cents more than a month ago.

i'm just giving you an idea of how much can change in a month.

you asked too many times if i was heading to California,

and i kept the truth tucked tight in my bra.

(i wonder if you're an angel and can see what else i tucked.)

do you see it wasn't me,

but the ocean,

who changed her mind.

love is a wet hurricane, dad.

some days i wish i could hold on like you.

arms wrapped around one tree,

whipped naked by the wind, by the rain,

smiling.

the night before you died i studied your hand

holding mom's hand holding your hand.

i held on

to my chest

and prayed it wouldn't burst.

at 4:40 p.m. you were still warm.

holes in the air

dear doctor,

i am allergic to shellfish, dust, sulfa, cipro, and bad relationships.

i have chronic kidney disease.

i was born with only one kidney.

i have 20% renal function last time i checked.

i have been in love before. i think.

i lost fifteen pounds in the last year.

i dig the ache in Tom Waits' words and the voice of Dolly Parton.

i have skin that itches like it's crawling with lice.

i enjoy dark chocolate candy and peppermint tea.

i have zero appetite on most days.

i have been hospitalized five times too many for just the flu.

i got carded last night at the bar, and i'm actually thirty. plus four.

i have been on five antibiotics in the last four months.

i have a thing for lips. maybe it's an addiction.

side note: i was also diagnosed with two brain aneurysms.

but i asked for a miracle and i'm aneurysm free.

you can call it a medical mystery,

but i'll take the miracle, thank you.

no, i do not have diabetes.

no, i was not sexually abused as a child.

no, i do not have cancer.

no, i do not feel unsafe at home.

no, i am not a smoker, or drinker, or drug user.

yes, i try to exercise.

yes, i try to eat healthy.

yes, i'm sexually active.

do you want to hear something real?

it's pushing through the knots in my throat.

i am afraid.

i feel my body in decline,

from the moment i wake up until the moment i put my head down at night,

i am acutely aware of the death occurring within my body.

how do i like my coffee?

black.

the question "when is your transplant?" is splintering,

so i punch holes in the air.

please. stop. asking. me. this. question.

please.

because i do not know.

hope?

i got hope.

but it can't be purchased in bulk at Costco.

i work hard to find it at a reasonable price,

so i'll pass on the anti-depressants.

i am a very patient lady, doctor.

i can even wait to climax if asked.

i want you to know

i am doing my very best

waiting for you,

my donor

and my body

to all fall

in alignment.

***new song***

hail

i like the way you came into my life

and i like the way you pull back your hair

you got a wicked thing with the way you move

you got a magic thing with the way you stare

uh huh uh huh, uh huh uh huh

they say hail falls from the skies

they say love starts in our eyes

i see it in your eyes

i see it in your eyes

i see it in your eyes

my heart was left lyin' on the floor

you picked it up and healed it slow

so so slow

you got a wonderful thing with the way you smile

you got a witty thing with the words you know

uh huh uh huh, uh huh uh huh

they say hail falls from the skies

they say love starts in our eyes

i see it in your eyes

i see it in your eyes

i see it in your eyes

i know we may not have much time

and this dust ain't yours and it ain't mine

but damn it's fine, fine, fine

we got a lovely thing with the way we love

we got a bright, bright thing with the way we shine.

they say hail falls from the skies

they say love starts in our eyes

i see it in our eyes

i see it in our eyes

i see it in our eyes

3 fun facts.

1.) My urine looks like bubble bath. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles.

2.) Ethan, my drummer, created a percussion section that includes the snare of a banjo, a xylophone, an acordian, a "piano-blower", and a top hat.

3.) I've written 2 new songs in the past week that are all about being smitten with someone. They feel damn good AND they feel authentic.

An Outline (in paragraphs)

Dear Blog,

I've been neglecting you. But you have been on my mind. I just haven't found the time to get to you. There's so much to say, type. I feel the keys under my fingertips and wonder whether I can get it all out. Hence, I shall make an outline. Of my health. And of my music.

I. Health

a. Healing with Eastern Medicine.

1. Dr. Keith Jordan. I experienced the most radical, life-changing experience I have ever had at the hands of a doctor. I have seen him weekly or bi-weekly since August 26th and have more faith in my body and spirit than I have ever had before. I have not been healed of my kidney disease, per say, but I believe I have been healed in ways that make me more ready than ever to embrace the road that lies ahead of me. There's something to be said when a complete stranger can put his hands on you and know the damage that exists within you, both physically and spiritually, and can articulate specifics of that damage. I spent my first hour with him in tears, feeling so much being removed from me while trying desperately to understand how he knew what he knew about my life and my history. He repeated, "I don't know how I know, but I do know I'm meant to heal you from these things." And he continued. And has for almost two months. Much of the focus has been on managing my immune system, and redirecting how my body handles itself. Ironically, the physical nature of my own immune system fighting my body mimics the battle I have had with my sense of self. It's almost poetic how rejection is not just an immune concept, but a concept I've battled in trying to accept my self, love, relationships, my music, acting, my family. As Dr. Jordan put it, "you have battled an infection of rejection." Now, as I prepare for a new kidney, it's more important than ever that I get this infection out and embrace, rather than reject, what the Universe offers me. My body needs to get used to taking in what is good for it, new kidney and all. I believe I'm in training--boot camp for a kidney transplant. And the core work out for my spirit consists of flushing out fear and rejection--because those are/can be deadly things. I've been working on letting go of a lot, because holding on to what is dead and/or diseased did much more harm than good. I am feeling better. Yes, I am fatigued. Yes, I am experiencing edema and yes, it's ugly. Yes, I don't go out nearly as much as I'd like and I often have to cancel plans because my body can't handle what it could just a year ago. And yes, this is rough. But I'm damn certain I am more ready than ever, more open than ever, and more loved than ever (by myself and others) and that, to me, is a picture of good health. Good health takes a lot of work, and I think much of it comes from the work I have done at the hands of Dr. Jordan.

b. Healing with Western Medicine.

1. Transplant Team. On November 15th, I will spend the day at the Cleveland Clinic having tests and meeting my Transplant Team. The Transplant Team consists of a nephrologist, a urologist, a social worker, a financial adviser, and a core gang of my loved ones. Yes, I said gang. My kidney posse. It's going to be a long day. But a very important day, full of big information that I am preparing myself for. I'm an emotional being, and there's a lot that's going to be put on the table. I know this because just last month I was at a routine appointment and was talking with my doctor about childbearing and he said, with deep compassion, that once I have a transplant, I will no longer be able to bear children. Ouch. And still ouch. I think I had convinced myself that I would be healthy enough post-transplant to have a child. However, anti-rejection drugs (see this rejection crap I got going on) necessary to maintain a new kidney would destroy any potential pregnancy. So, I was told I could get pregnant now and be in a high-risk pregnancy. Or never be pregnant. Not the easiest pill to swallow. And it's still kinda caught in my throat, so let's move on. Once this transplant meeting occurs, the "find a donor" campaign will officially begin. I think I may put together a concert to kick things off. My health and music continue to coincide.

II. Music

a. My Band. Every Wednesday and Saturday I get together with two very fun, quirky, talented guys. Here is a list of potential ideas for what we will call ourselves:

Maura Rogers and....

the 21st century
the Western Reserve
the Trigger
the Winsome Losers
the Atomic Sky
Bloodshot Moon
the Sexiest Band in the World
Hammerstein
the Second Edition
the Phantom of the Amusement Park

the Situation
the Remains
the Regulars
the Maladies
the Graveyard Shift
the Night Hawks

It's been an extremely fun process, getting to know them and building relationships with them. They make me laugh A LOT. Which is refreshing, considering how serious I can be as a singer-songwriter. I'm realizing that at the core of every good band is a group of people that genuinely respect and admire one another. And I truly feel they admire and respect the music I've put on the table. THAT feels soooo good. It's been extremely different from the work I've done as a solo singer-songwriter. I find myself navigating my way through the sounds, loving it for the most part, but feeling overwhelmed at times by the choices that come into play when there's more people and sounds than just little me with a guitar. We are learning all 30 of my songs and are planning to play out in December for the first time. Soon, there will be some recordings on my myspace to give you a taste of what we sound like.

b. CD's. I've sold all my cd's from my first order--a very nice thing to report. I'm working on getting onto CDbaby and/or Reverb Nation. Brent (my bassist) has designed a website for me and we hope to get that up and running in the next month or so. Slowly, but surely, this musical journey continues.

III. Conclusion

a. Life is Good. Healing can be hard work and music can be hard work. But nothing worthwhile was ever done easy. I find that the more I invest in the things I love (even when they are challenging) the healthier I feel--mind, body, and spirit.