tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86384832362778908032024-02-21T13:39:36.664-05:00The Bean In My SideThis is the journey of The Bean In My Side. With a new kidney and a second chance at life, this is my story about survival, loss, music, poetry, and the pursuit of dreams.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-83253060038859249002019-04-24T11:56:00.002-04:002019-04-24T13:31:10.536-04:00risingi found the heartbeat of our daughter.<br />
her drum raced a few beats faster than our son.<br />
i hear them, i see them, and i touch their shadows on your skin.<br />
it is april and the tulips are rising.<br />
<br />
i remember holding my mother's hand on this day<br />
6 years ago.<br />
my finger rested on her wrist.<br />
i held my breath and counted her every last beat.<br />
i can still feel her pulse in my bones.<br />
<br />
if i love, i listen.<br />
i listen in love.<br />
i hear life as music and music as life.<br />
<br />
i can smell spring sliding through the windows.<br />
will i mother as beautifully as my mother?<br />
will i celebrate storms and sunrises the same?<br />
<br />
"from noon to midnight and midnight to noon<br />
there is always growth, child."<br />
<br />
i ache to know the lives expanding within you<br />
while i ache for my mother's voice. <br />
<br />
these words are adrenaline for the future,<br />
awareness of the past, <br />
awe of this second,<br />
now.<br />
<br />
it is april and the tulips <i>are</i> rising.<br />
<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-82937176905119200412019-02-11T14:07:00.003-05:002019-02-12T11:11:53.855-05:00cannon of lovestanding three steps away<br />
you are naked, vibrant.<br />
your belly is exposed.<br />
<br />
our world is now a touchable round.<br />
<br />
i trace your curves,<br />
gulping for my breath.<br />
my eyes and throat burn.<br />
i am merely water and salt,<br />
exploding in awe.<br />
<br />
your body holds three brains, three hearts, six kidneys, thirty toes.<br />
every day i get to see see your skin stretch a stronger home.<br />
i rub your head, your feet, your shoulders<br />
imagining every cell within you feels touched.<br />
<br />
i am not the father,<br />
nor will i know these children moving in me.<br />
but i am a cannon of love,<br />
a well of hope,<br />
a circus of imagination,<br />
and i've never wanted anything more than this role of mother.<br />
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-86026462371735088712019-02-05T12:24:00.001-05:002019-02-05T12:24:46.629-05:00balancei will never give birth<br />
but my mother gave birth eleven times to eleven children,<br />
and your mother will give birth one time to two children.<br />
i have known wonderwomen.<br />
<br />
i wonder if my mother wondered about us the way i wonder about the two of you.<br />
<br />
who will you be?<br />
will i be enough?<br />
will i balance you both evenly<br />
on my hips<br />
in my schedule<br />
through your first breaths<br />
into adulthood?<br />
<br />
i hate malls and purses,<br />
but i love guitars and bubble baths.<br />
whatever your fondness, i will adore you both.<br />
<br />
you will know judaism, catholicism, buddhism, capitalism, socialism<br />
and i will never decide what is right for you.<br />
<br />
darling one and darling two, <br />
practice goodness toward yourself and others<br />
and feel part of something bigger than you.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-17020890683079255102019-01-30T17:12:00.001-05:002019-01-30T17:12:28.759-05:00twoi felt a snake on my forehead,<br />
little like a worm.<br />
i let it crawl from my head to my hand<br />
where it slid beside the second snake,<br />
also little like a worm.<br />
asleep, my mind knew<br />
these tiny two were brewing symbols<br />
for you and you.<br />
<br />
i saw two bunnies in the snow,<br />
watched them wander on the white road<br />
and whispered to your mother, follow.<br />
asleep, my mind knew<br />
these tiny two were brewing symbols<br />
for you and you.<br />
<br />
you were simple splitting cells<br />
but i sensed your existence<br />
and dreamed vividly of two.<br />
<br />
double the mothers.<br />
double the dumplings.<br />
double the destinies.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-62860012360585159832019-01-30T16:45:00.000-05:002019-01-30T17:15:12.843-05:00cell shiftingi whisper to the future<br />
beginning in your belly.<br />
a sonic wave of melody<br />
solidifies safety and security.<br />
my voice is suspended through your skin.<br />
<br />
we sit in the cusp of change.<br />
every cell is shifting<br />
and tomorrow becomes more real than every yesterday.<br />
<br />
i've moved many through long nights<br />
but woke wanting more.<br />
<br />
now, i am living more.<br />
<br />
the grandfather clock grabbed me at noon.<br />
i am half over, half begun<br />
ready for you,<br />
forever.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-6473831280364672322018-05-03T13:02:00.000-04:002018-05-03T13:05:58.938-04:00boundless blura heart that can will itself, will.<br />
<br />
often will is lost<br />
between fear filled lungs<br />
and a moldy mind<br />
<br />
I find you in the fog<br />
lying in memory and now<br />
tasting ruthless truths I bury<br />
<br />
this life is mine<br />
but faceless figures define<br />
who and how I share it<br />
<br />
the clock ticks faster<br />
my skin gets cancer<br />
and I struggle more than ever to leave the house<br />
<br />
your life is yours<br />
over<br />
and over til it's right<br />
<br />
chapped lips crack<br />
chapped lips bleed<br />
moisture is our choice<br />
<br />
find me<br />
in the fog<br />
beyond the veil<br />
<br />
this boundless blur<br />
my heart<br />
wills so<br />
<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-71178664668339147842018-04-25T10:29:00.001-04:002018-04-25T10:35:16.204-04:00anomaly<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none; font-family: inherit;">I start today with a surface memory from the morning you passed.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I was supposed to get blood work. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I was three weeks past my weekly draw.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">The nurse called with ‘come in, today.’</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">The ‘had I gone’ doesn’t exist.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I can’t what if.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I won’t what if.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I was there</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">beside you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">exactly where and when </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">you left. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">Five years later on the hour</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I am here writing words to keep you.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">The truth is I was thirtysomething </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">and I held your hand, often.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I didn’t think much of it, then.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I realize now what is rare.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">When I was nineteen,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">you held your hands above your head and danced</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">in a doorway in a bathrobe in a hotel in Florida.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">Your grace taught me freedom.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">Breastfed beyond two,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">(I was the last child </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">to be held and understood)</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">I thought I was the anomaly.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 14px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">You carried twelve</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">delivered all naturally</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">loved all unconditionally </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">and lived gentle into eighty,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">leaving stories behind</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-kerning: none;">of lives changed and healed.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none; font-family: inherit;">Mother, you are the anomaly.</span></div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-20461951038519336602018-01-18T13:51:00.001-05:002018-01-18T15:22:15.112-05:00our bountythere is a sickness in silence<br />
<div>
that passes in secret</div>
<div>
while women women and more women</div>
<div>
stretching over continents and centuries</div>
<div>
feel the same sword.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1 doctor, 125 women. </div>
<div>
decade after decade after decade. </div>
<div>
how sick the size of one man's damage.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
sister, </div>
<div>
we are in this bubble together</div>
<div>
and for every time i fail to warn you</div>
<div>
and for every time you fail to warn me</div>
<div>
the damage done is doubled.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
when your lover beat you with words, fists, or lies</div>
<div>
why did i not rise for you?</div>
<div>
when my lover beat me with words, fists and lies</div>
<div>
why did you not rise for me?</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
sister,</div>
<div>
behold that <i>we</i> are our bounty </div>
<div>
so our bodies are bound for reverence.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-26500191116339745512018-01-12T13:12:00.000-05:002018-01-12T13:12:40.806-05:00settle the unknown<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I have a truth I carry</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">In the palm of my pale hand</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">When love left for India</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I came to understand</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">A map may reveal distance</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">A watch will tick and wind</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">This knowing you placed within me</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Settles the unknown in my mind</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">My body may grow weak</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">You remain soft by my side</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">You are my deepest root</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">You are my strongest guide</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">A map may reveal distance</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">A watch will tick and wind</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">This knowing you placed within me</span><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Settles the unknown in my mind</span>mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-84037354472755923232017-12-23T10:59:00.000-05:002017-12-23T10:59:47.542-05:00raised to love<br />
a fever brews in the blood<br />
and shivers surface over skin.<br />
<br />
here the beating self begins.<br />
here, the weak body.<br />
here, the wilting mind.<br />
<br />
i fear being the burden<br />
that slows her race with destiny.<br />
i fear being her burden<br />
that distracts her from joy.<br />
<br />
i fear being unloved when i am most vulnerable.<br />
<br />
she holds my face<br />
and exorcises these notions.<br />
she was raised to be kind and gentle.<br />
she was raised to love.<br />
<br />
this is the last fever i will be the fool.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-3778460289623520652017-09-25T19:52:00.002-04:002017-09-25T23:03:37.971-04:00Kate<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">the last time i was on manhattan</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">your fingers rubbed arnica over me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">with gentle compassion</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">your eyes stared into my skull,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">with fierce protection</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">your wine numbed our shock</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">with soothing tannins.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 19px;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">with stained skin and bones scarred</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">i carried the silence too long</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">and you let me speak.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 19px;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">we have <i>always</i> let each other speak.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">for twenty years </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">through first loves, first heartbreaks</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first highs, first depressions</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first babies, first albums </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first homes, first deaths</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first careers, first breakdowns</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first acts, first curtain calls</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">first firsts and more firsts. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">i have always felt heard,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">i have always heard you.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 19px;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">we have been young on highways,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">shouting at the wind with pink lungs.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">we have been older on desert mountains,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">starving for oxygen and solace.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal; min-height: 19px;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">in this moment, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">i'm looking at you across a rooftop that overlooks Manhattan.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">there will always be distance.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-kerning: none; font-size: small;">but we are survivors.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">this friendship is prolific.</span></div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-73116007245050960332017-08-08T10:53:00.002-04:002017-08-17T11:18:53.485-04:00Five Yearsdoes it ever get old,<br />
this second chance at life?<br />
<br />
aging is a mother-loving blessing<br />
and every morning is a milestone.<br />
<br />
at 17 i didn't think i'd live past 35<br />
and told Alec this when i was 27.<br />
<br />
i died no doubt.<br />
buried sadness,<br />
made more room,<br />
and let a kidney resurrect a better me. <br />
<br />
i've always been a hugger,<br />
but now i hold on longer<br />
because no one is counting<br />
and touch is my memory shaper.<br />
<br />
in these five years<br />
i've touched the cliffs in Ireland<br />
i've touched the toes of new born babies<br />
i've touched the lips of women i love<br />
i've touched the walls of a homemade prison and said goodbye<br />
i've touched the fur of my pups<br />
i've touched scars and cancer, breasts and hips <br />
i've touched the strings of chords in songs i dreamed of writing<br />
i've touched pages of novels that ignited my brain<br />
i've touched the wool in weavings spun by a woman i adore<br />
i've touched skin that gave me goosebumps<br />
i've touched the peridot stone on my left ring finger<br />
i touched the fading pulse of my dying mother.<br />
<br />
when she gave me her kidney,<br />
she cleaned out the garbage<br />
and taught me the depth of love.<br />
<br />
(before my blood was clean<br />
i was convinced love meant struggle<br />
so i embraced some bruises<br />
screaming<br />
silence<br />
jealousy<br />
control<br />
threats<br />
and i cried silently in corners.)<br />
<br />
when she gave me her kidney,<br />
she cleaned out the garbage<br />
and taught me the depth of my life.<br />
<br />
i pause for flowers in fields, i pause for cloud shapes in the sky,<br />
i pause for strangers on the sidewalk, i pause for kissing goodbye<br />
i pause for memories in the making, and i pause to write down these words.<br />
<br />
if you give me a kidney, i'll give you reflections on what it means to be alive<br />
every year<br />
until i die.<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-70864560678693542362017-08-03T12:27:00.002-04:002017-08-03T12:27:38.799-04:00peripatetic(the eggplant couldn't wait<br />
so i held it between my fingers and bit it<br />
while i walked beside her.<br />
the tall man born in the Netherlands said,<br />
"peripatetic eggplant'<br />
so i promised him poetry for breakfast.)<br />
<br />
sit seven secure women at a table<br />
and i drift and dream of matriarchy in the white house.<br />
<br />
i will smell last night forever<br />
and request a lifetime of conversations that crawl toward midnight<br />
with fever, cocktails, and Paul<br />
(the tall Netherlands man.)<br />
<br />
i don't believe sweat has color<br />
so throw away what's pink and blue<br />
and just pay me for every drop of salt on my forehead.<br />
<br />
i want men who look me in the eye,<br />
who balance respect with admiration on their tongue,<br />
who share unfamiliar words, encourage risk,<br />
and trust my body is connected to my brain.<br />
<br />
i want women who drive women into independence,<br />
who seek solution over opinion,<br />
who hold each other in darkness<br />
and let go when sunlight calls,<br />
because there is a world to run.<br />
<br />
i am peripatetic<br />
i cherish women<br />
and Paul.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-48100670189439464002017-06-18T10:44:00.002-04:002017-06-18T11:42:07.405-04:00Father's Day, 2017<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
Last night loneliness crept beside me</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
wrapped my wrists in its claws and whispered,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
'You are alone.'</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
I am a grown woman</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
but felt like an adolescent girl</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
who can't find a friend in the cafeteria.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
My father and my mother are dead</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
and last night I could not feel any sense of them.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
Is it dramatic to feel like I wanted to die?</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
I fell asleep only to dream of my mother,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
who no longer wanted to be around me.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
My best friend didn't want to be my best friend. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
I suppose Heaven is better than any best friend.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
Is it still too dramatic to feel like I wanted to die?</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
It's these holidays.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
There is a global design to find the perfect gift for dad, </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
and the sales stab my sad gut. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
All the ties, the books, the cards </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
everything hurts on Father's Day.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
My brother just sent me a picture of the sky above my parents grave.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
'My view as I lay here with mom and dad.'</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
I don't really want to die.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
I just want my parents back.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
We are all young children, </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
lost in the super-market,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">
trying to find our parents.</div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-19127593961871100842017-04-30T12:42:00.000-04:002017-04-30T19:22:23.433-04:00the experiment, 4/30/17I see your roots<br />
exposed and long.<br />
Your fingers are my downfall<br />
and your speed is near mustang strong.<br />
<br />
Your colored skin has seen the sun<br />
and your eyes glisten like wet dew.<br />
<br />
I am in Ohio<br />
washing rags in righteous water<br />
wondering what will this future say of its past.<br />
<br />
I told you to follow your heart<br />
but that was the full moon talking<br />
and now the memory owns me<br />
like the promised land owns my sister.<br />
<br />
If I let you break the rules and move me<br />
I'd be knocked out cold<br />
with shoulders stretched beyond sockets.<br />
<br />
There is a sprinkled spell in all this<br />
magic, science, witchcraft, fairy dust, and god<br />
making cells so<br />
there is no release.<br />
<br />
do you remember our first kiss?<br />
because a thousand rising and falling suns won't forget.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-58776432730257103122017-04-23T12:28:00.001-04:002017-04-23T12:32:22.892-04:00North Collinwood, 4/23/17on tuesdays, fridays, and saturdays<br />
i hear gunshots in bed.<br />
only at night<br />
do they catch my breath<br />
when they wake me from sleep.<br />
volume defines proximity.<br />
<br />
every day, around the corner<br />
artists gather to make music, sculptures, coffee, and Neapolitan pizza.<br />
we drink mugs made in her studio,<br />
wear scarves made in her workshop,<br />
wear dresses designed in her store.<br />
it's a living, eating, breathing-it-all-in community.<br />
<br />
last easter weekend,<br />
1.9 miles away,<br />
a triple murder took place<br />
leaving three children without their parents and family dog.<br />
the street is numb.<br />
the street is nauseous.<br />
<br />
(shock drop and roll<br />
while the media fails<br />
the police force ails<br />
and the councilman weeps for the nest he's trying to keep.)<br />
<br />
every June<br />
.4 miles away<br />
the main street bustles with black, white, brown, pink<br />
kids, grandmas, teenagers, stray cats and pit bulls. <br />
west to east and east to west<br />
food trucks dress the air with aromas,<br />
music tickles feet with beats in the sidewalk<br />
and <i>everyone</i> sweats beneath the summer sun.<br />
<br />
every century,<br />
the earth spins<br />
and duality unfolds itself randomly <br />
in the country, in the suburbs, in the city.<br />
<br />
now,<br />
balance.<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-10538468101210034342017-04-21T11:34:00.001-04:002017-12-18T13:05:29.353-05:00the shape of my sleep, 4/21/17<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">At 4:56am I realize I sleep like my mother.</span><br />
<br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Turning to my side</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I feel my knees bend and fold on each other</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I feel my left arm cross over my neck</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I feel my left hand land upon my pillow</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">and with bullet speed </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">memories of my mother </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">burst. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Her arms were painted with freckles, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">shoulders to wrists, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">a pointillism tan.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Veins like mountain ranges </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">rode the surface of her hands.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I followed them with my fingertips as a child</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">and turned her palm open</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">to find infinite life lines. </span></span></span><br />
<br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Do I rest my elbow over my eyes</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">because it fits so</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">or</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">because she did?</span><br />
<br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">It's been four years.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I know </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I don't miss you enough.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I reduce grief to fit in my pocket </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">to function.</span><br />
<br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Here I am</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">awake and aware</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">in morning darkness.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">I counted your breaths on the last day.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">You were just here</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">are here</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">shaping how I sleep.</span>mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-61425754591894761532017-04-12T12:20:00.003-04:002017-04-12T12:20:28.092-04:00the h word, 4/12/17<span style="font-family: inherit;">in third grade i was itching to age</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and put my breasts in a training bra.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">my mother and aunt joanie understood </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and carefully catered to my bumps.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">who would i be without this female foundation?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">no family man ever told me to follow my dreams</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">or fed faith in self.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">there was little space for my voice in a room of brothers</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> most used volume like a sword. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">my mother never shouted and i heard every word she spoke.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">the idea of losing her sister</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">after losing her,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> annihilates me </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">again.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">at 95, there is not a wiser woman who knows my face</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> yet it's been a year since I held her hand.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">she is my mother's sister,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and i have forgotten to be my mother's daughter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">my own modern world fails.</span></div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-26859083962393755082017-04-11T10:57:00.003-04:002017-12-18T13:07:23.583-05:00key west, 4/10/17<span style="background-color: rgba(255 , 255 , 255 , 0); color: rgb(69 , 69 , 69); font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody";">I am a passenger on the 7 Mile bridge </span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">where the</span> midnight moon is full</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and the ocean reflects like a poet.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I am a two hearted thing</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and it will be this way indefinitely.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
without a choice </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I am anchored to a double truth</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
land and sea</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
city and suburb</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
man and woman</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
living and dying.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I am led with a conscience,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
aware of duality.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Hemingway's bedroom smells like a distant grandfather</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and cats sprawl across his mattress.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I touch the walls knowing my sentences are short</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and I prefer dogs.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
what if we woke every day before the sun rose</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and wrote the virgin thoughts of morning?</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I imagine this </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and collecting ceramic tiles for a floor I do not own.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
today, I dabbed holy water on my forehead</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
showing my Protestant sister </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
the father, the son and the Holy Spirit.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
there is a difference</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
between a cross and a crucifix </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
between our skin and its response to light</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
between the shape of our breasts.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
but we still share smiles with our eyes.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
the codes in our blood are magic and human,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
despite all the bits and pieces that will never match.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I am drawn to people eager to sweat</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
who cherish the body, the shell, and romance</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
who know there is no warranty</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
who understand maintenance is required.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Away from winter and monotony </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
my body whispers 'i am but once'</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
and the ocean reminds me to write this down.</div>
mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-66337878096527020852017-02-26T11:43:00.000-05:002017-02-26T17:54:09.182-05:00your kind whispersYou are not the Joe who frequents strip clubs<br />
or the George naked beneath a trench coat<br />
<br />
You don't offer candy to first graders on sidewalks<br />
or dabble in online chats with curious preteens<br />
<br />
You aren't an uncle in pursuit of his young kin<br />
or the president who grabs women by their pussies<br />
<br />
You are your own kind.<br />
<br />
You play Jesus on stage<br />
and draw in the fragile seeking affirmation.<br />
<br />
You earn parental trust<br />
then pour wine down virgin throats.<br />
<br />
You whisper words <i>you're gonna be a star</i><br />
on staircases that lead to bedrooms.<br />
<br />
You puzzle piece a cult together<br />
and publicly appear perfect.<br />
<br />
I'm forty now, not fourteen.<br />
I don't know where you are<br />
but I know <i>who</i> are you.<br />
<br />
I wonder how many stars have heard your whispers.<br />
I wonder how many carry the weight of silence.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-31829451855226677122017-02-14T11:21:00.001-05:002017-02-14T11:21:22.864-05:00Valentine 2017you are the morning skin to touch first<br />
and midnight warmth beneath the moon,<br />
radiating.<br />
<br />
you are purposeful kisses, slow and delicate<br />
afternoon dances beside the kitchen sink.<br />
<br />
you began as walking along water<br />
and now you breathe beside me in bed.<br />
<br />
you are my courage in doubt<br />
my saltiest sweat<br />
my first note sung in solid tune<br />
my abdomen trembling in release.<br />
<br />
you are the sweetest creme brulee.<br />
<br />
you are the silence when the windows are down<br />
and the wind is speaking.<br />
you are bread crumbs left on the path <br />
reminding me of home.<br />
you are a gentle visionary,<br />
and i believe in everything you see. <br />
<br />
you are the always, in all chaos and calm.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-91398478468929444512016-09-14T13:26:00.001-04:002016-09-14T13:29:32.530-04:00hug your hurtwalking into a wake<br />
the smell of mixed florals<br />
reminds me of stomach acid that stirred<br />
seeing my grandmother<br />
stiff and sewn.<br />
i was six<br />
and afraid to step near the casket.<br />
<br />
i'm no longer six<br />
but i still don't care for coffins.<br />
<br />
loss is brutal, painful, numbing.<br />
it's a wasp stinging your heart<br />
<i>and </i><br />
novocain for every living layer within you.<br />
it destroys digestion<br />
and the desire to desire.<br />
it's for worms and only worms.<br />
<br />
when i lost my parents,<br />
i lost all empathy for liars.<br />
when you encounter good grief,<br />
the truth surfaces and glows neon<br />
and everything else is a vivid waste of time.<br />
<br />
orphaned at 36 isn't a disaster,<br />
but it still makes me sad.<br />
the sadness swells when i see a new orphan<br />
and recall how disgusting it is to understand that level of alone.<br />
<br />
i want to hug your hurt so hard,<br />
and maybe need you to hug my hurt too.<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-59848355346607592682016-09-12T11:59:00.001-04:002016-09-12T20:52:10.335-04:00my toenails, my americaif this were all equal<br />
my toenails would be prettier.<br />
or painted.<br />
<br />
if we were all made equal,<br />
there would be more women with thinner lips or fuller lips.<br />
more short, bald men or more thick haired tall men.<br />
<br />
if we were all equal,<br />
my father would never have called gay men 'sodomites'<br />
and he would have talked to me about finding the right man <i>or woman.</i><br />
because if we are all equal,<br />
both are equally possible.<br />
he would never have called ellen, ellen <i>degenerate.</i><br />
<br />
if we're all equal, all my sisters would have pursued their education<br />
with the same vigor they pursued dating.<br />
they wouldn't stay a day with an abusive husband.<br />
in fact, they would never have given <i>that</i> guy a chance.<br />
<br />
maybe abusive men wouldn't exist if we were all equal?<br />
<br />
if there was <i>real </i>equality,<br />
my neighbors wouldn't need to sell drugs<br />
and wouldn't throw garbage in the street.<br />
we wouldn't have to drive a half-hour to find a Whole Foods<br />
and dollar stores wouldn't decorate every corner.<br />
<br />
if things were really equal,<br />
my niece would have had the same number of fans at her volleyball championship<br />
that my nephew had at his soccer tournament.<br />
<br />
if we were all equal,<br />
there would have been a Jewish president,<br />
a black president,<br />
a woman president<br />
way before 2008.<br />
we started presidenting in 1788.<br />
that's 220 years of white men leading.<br />
<br />
if we are all equal,<br />
i wouldn't be afraid to hold my partner's hand in public<br />
and her father<br />
and her father<br />
and her father wouldn't worry about his little girl being judged or harmed for who she loves.<br />
<br />
who am i kidding?<br />
<br />
we are a nation built on a <i>notion </i>of equality for all<i>. </i><br />
yet in 2016, we are invading the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe,<br />
again<br />
(this time with an oil pipeline.)<br />
we are shutting down planned parenthood<br />
giving Brock Turner an early release<br />
and letting a racist run for presidency.<br />
we are killing black men and black boys and defending the right to do so.<br />
we are serving our children sugar for lunch,<br />
and calling ketchup a vegetable.<br />
<br />
i am staring at my toenails painfully aware they will never be beautiful.<br />
but i trim them.<br />
i tend the cuticles,<br />
and i clean them.<br />
<br />
i take care of my toenails<br />
and i vote.<br />
somehow, it feels a bit the same.mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-69478813378390728182016-08-08T12:41:00.002-04:002016-08-08T12:41:20.560-04:00ode to four, you and life.dearest kidney in my right belly,<br />
<br />
4 is the smallest squared prime,<br />
and today you turn so inside my skin.<br />
<br />
from the day you joined this flesh, these bones<br />
you've made more difference than any gift i've known.<br />
<br />
you haven't just cleaned my blood stream,<br />
you've changed my spirit<br />
redefined my understanding of love<br />
and empowered leaps into the better.<br />
<br />
you give, and give, and keep giving me time.<br />
<br />
time with my mother<br />
time to say goodbye<br />
time to keep orchids blooming<br />
time to hold my nieces and nephews, my sisters and brothers<br />
time to create, to sing<br />
time to fail, grow, and fail again<br />
time to face my biggest fears<br />
time to stand up for myself<br />
time to do stand up comedy<br />
time to live on my own<br />
time to fall in love<br />
time to recreate a future rooted in balance, transparency, and joy<br />
time to forgive<br />
time to read books and find new music<br />
time to walk and hold hands and smell spring<br />
time to bundle up in a new winter coat and find perfect waterproof boots<br />
time to feel summer sunshine, sweat, and freckle<br />
time to know myself healthy<br />
time to feel connection and possibility, in every beautiful shape.<br />
<br />
as far as kidneys go, doctors say you are the cream of the crop.<br />
<br />
so when i place my hand upon you<br />
i still gasp at what you are,<br />
who you came from,<br />
how everything could not be without<i> you.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>4 </i>corners of the world.<br />
<i>4 </i>points on a compass.<br />
<i>4 </i>years of full living,<br />
all with and because of,<br />
<i>you.</i><br />
<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8638483236277890803.post-86505273280003459572016-07-26T11:27:00.001-04:002017-08-17T11:20:12.884-04:00your orchidi am the orchid.<br />
<br />
i am the withered, dry stem that most assume dead.<br />
<br />
i lay dormant without demand and require the least of your attention.<br />
<br />
i am still with observation of light and energy.<br />
<br />
i am vulnerably exposed, with open roots and heart.<br />
<br />
i am settled in wood chips and rocks.<br />
<br />
i reach into the air around you while you dream.<br />
<br />
i have smooth leaves, green buds, and silk petals to press upon you.<br />
<br />
i am the orchid.<br />
<br />
i am not dead.<br />
<br />
i am here to surprise you, to remind you that what appears gone is not.<br />
<br />
<br />
please, ice. please, wait.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11146528837579097598noreply@blogger.com2