holes in the air

dear doctor,

i am allergic to shellfish, dust, sulfa, cipro, and bad relationships.

i have chronic kidney disease.

i was born with only one kidney.

i have 20% renal function last time i checked.

i have been in love before. i think.

i lost fifteen pounds in the last year.

i dig the ache in Tom Waits' words and the voice of Dolly Parton.

i have skin that itches like it's crawling with lice.

i enjoy dark chocolate candy and peppermint tea.

i have zero appetite on most days.

i have been hospitalized five times too many for just the flu.

i got carded last night at the bar, and i'm actually thirty. plus four.

i have been on five antibiotics in the last four months.

i have a thing for lips. maybe it's an addiction.

side note: i was also diagnosed with two brain aneurysms.

but i asked for a miracle and i'm aneurysm free.

you can call it a medical mystery,

but i'll take the miracle, thank you.

no, i do not have diabetes.

no, i was not sexually abused as a child.

no, i do not have cancer.

no, i do not feel unsafe at home.

no, i am not a smoker, or drinker, or drug user.

yes, i try to exercise.

yes, i try to eat healthy.

yes, i'm sexually active.

do you want to hear something real?

it's pushing through the knots in my throat.

i am afraid.

i feel my body in decline,

from the moment i wake up until the moment i put my head down at night,

i am acutely aware of the death occurring within my body.

how do i like my coffee?

black.

the question "when is your transplant?" is splintering,

so i punch holes in the air.

please. stop. asking. me. this. question.

please.

because i do not know.

hope?

i got hope.

but it can't be purchased in bulk at Costco.

i work hard to find it at a reasonable price,

so i'll pass on the anti-depressants.

i am a very patient lady, doctor.

i can even wait to climax if asked.

i want you to know

i am doing my very best

waiting for you,

my donor

and my body

to all fall

in alignment.