Friday, April 1, 2011

holes in the air

dear doctor,

i am allergic to shellfish, dust, sulfa, cipro, and bad relationships.
i have chronic kidney disease.
i was born with only one kidney.
i have 20% renal function last time i checked.
i have been in love before. i think.
i lost fifteen pounds in the last year.
i dig the ache in Tom Waits' words and the voice of Dolly Parton.
i have skin that itches like it's crawling with lice.
i enjoy dark chocolate candy and peppermint tea.
i have zero appetite on most days.
i have been hospitalized five times too many for just the flu.
i got carded last night at the bar, and i'm actually thirty. plus four.
i have been on five antibiotics in the last four months.
i have a thing for lips. maybe it's an addiction.

side note: i was also diagnosed with two brain aneurysms.
but i asked for a miracle and i'm aneurysm free.
you can call it a medical mystery,
but i'll take the miracle, thank you.

no, i do not have diabetes.
no, i was not sexually abused as a child.
no, i do not have cancer.
no, i do not feel unsafe at home.
no, i am not a smoker, or drinker, or drug user.

yes, i try to exercise.
yes, i try to eat healthy.
yes, i'm sexually active.

do you want to hear something real?
it's pushing through the knots in my throat.

i am afraid.

i feel my body in decline,
from the moment i wake up until the moment i put my head down at night,
i am acutely aware of the death occurring within my body.

how do i like my coffee?

the question "when is your transplant?" is splintering,
so i punch holes in the air.
please. stop. asking. me. this. question.
because i do not know.

i got hope.
but it can't be purchased in bulk at Costco.
i work hard to find it at a reasonable price,
so i'll pass on the anti-depressants.

i am a very patient lady, doctor.
i can even wait to climax if asked.

i want you to know
i am doing my very best
waiting for you,
my donor
and my body
to all fall
in alignment.